Alabama's On My Mind

I'm really not sure how to go about this. I created a draft of it on paper, but now I'm here, typing, and I can't find words to explain whats been going on with me.

So, here it goes.



I returned home from serving a volunteer mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the Alabama Birmingham Mission for 18 months this past January. Within these past four months, I have been in a fog, and it wasn't until Sunday night that I realized it.

What I am here to talk about it coming home and feeling like a failure. I have been focusing on all of the times I could have or should have done better, my moments of disobedience,  etc. I have been dissecting my mission with a clip board in hand ready to make another tick mark at the slightest mess up.

Because of this, I realize I haven't been looking at my mission as God has. He is not a "lightning bolt and clip board" God. He isn't sitting up there on his throne getting ready to throw lightning bolts at us when we make a mistake! He is so much more loving and caring than that and desires our happiness more than anything.

Still, I have felt that I have failed my mission. I had failed myself, God, my mission, Alabama,  my mission President, my companions, my family and friends, heck I might as well have failed the whole world. I have been looking at my time or service through a fog; completely focusing on the times I messed up.

Now, Sunday night, I broke down. I was beating myself up for all of the things I'd done (that thankfully the Good Lord had already forgiven me of) and cried and cried and prayed because I felt I had failed. At this point, I remembered a scripture I had been given during the Relief Society lesson earlier that day. I had started quoting it in my mind when I figured I should just look it up. Now, I knew the reference, but I had actually been saying the wrong verse.

(note: before our wonderful teacher passed out a basket with the different slips of paper with scriptures on it, she told us she felt inspired to give us each one and had prayed that we would each get the one we needed/something God needed us to know).

I couldn't get through the verse without sobbing:

Alma 26:5 Behold, the field was ripe, and blessed are ye, for ye did thrust in the sickle, and did reap with your might, yea, all the day long did ye labor; and behold the number of your sheaves! And they shall be gathered into the garners, that they are not wasted.

As I read this, I was filled with more peace and more relief then I think I have ever felt in my entire life. I realized that while I was not perfect on my mission, I had fulfilled the things that I had been sent out into the field to do. The very things I felt I needed to be guilty for were addressed very specifically in the verse " yea, all the day long did ye labor". I felt I hadn't worked hard enough or been diligent enough. I may have felt that way, but the Lord had already accepted my work.

This whole time I hadn't really thought about how Heavenly Father saw my mission (well, I did, but I didn't think it had gone over very well and was a little worried to ask, since all I saw was the bad).

After this experience, I began to see faces of some people I personally helped or impacted in some way, who in turn changed me. I was filled with the love I felt for each and every one of them as well as the love Heavenly Father had for them, and for me. As I write this now, I remember the Sunday before I came home from Alabama having an experience at a church meeting where I felt the Spirit tell me that Heavenly Father was proud of my work. 

No effort is ever wasted in the eyes of God.

This was something I have been so in need to learn, and it took a moment of humility so that I could see clearly.

I am happy to report that now when I look back at my mission, not only do I have a sense of accomplishment, but I can actually remember some of the little miracles that happened, or something funny that happened. I am finally happy with what I've done.

During my mission, I started to nit-pick myself. I became a bit of a perfectionist and when I wasn't where I thought I should be, I was miserable. This specifically happened when I had about 7 months left of my mission. I thought that I would be over my fears of approaching and talking to people, that I would be a pro at getting up in the morning (mornings have always been a little difficult for me), and many other things. Because of this, I spent all my time obsessing over the fact that I wasn't, in essence, perfect. During this time, these things I was so worried about actually got worse. I would almost start to panic when it was my turn to start a conversation with someone and I didn't understand. Another part of me that suffered during this time was my self-esteem. I had a really hard time recognizing my worth and I was constantly beating myself up.

Thankfully, I had a wonderful companion who supported me through all of this, and an amazing Mission Mom to call and talk to about how I felt. And finally, once I stopped obsessing over these things, I actually found that I was a lot better at these things than I was giving myself credit.

Soon, I was able to brush this off, but I wasn't expecting these feelings to re-appear once I returned home, and that was hard, especially because I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. The crazy thing was I was even too embarrassed to talk to God about it, and He knows everything!

I am sharing this with, well, the internet, because I know that I am not alone. I know there are so many others who torture themselves with discouragement, and those who feel they've failed or that their mission was a waste.

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to feel like that.

I spent so much time comparing my thin and selective view of my service to all the good in my fellow missionaries. This is a disservice to us all! Everyone messes up!
Our personal circumstances may have been different, but guess what! You went on a mission! For whatever reason you decided to give up 24 or 18 months of your time to go and serve. Whether or not you see it, there was someone, somewhere that you changed for the better, because you decided to serve.

I did not go on a mission to be/become perfect. That wasn't Heavenly Father's intention for me, or for any other missionary.

I am not a failure.

I did a hard thing and am strong.

And so are you.

x

(Now that I've read this over, I am not sure if this clearly expresses quite what I've been going through and how much this change has impacted me, but I hope it does it some justice.)x